30th
My porn star name is…
Pffft memes. Right?
I’m nonplussed by them most of the time. I hear we all are. Then why do we jump onboard despite our supposed disinterest? For me, there are two answers.
- Sometimes my brain is like a car stuck in mud, and the meme surfaces with all the allure of a 600-lb local - brainless but well intentioned, and helpful in a pinch. I’ll jump in for a round or two in these situations because to do so gets me thinking (albeit barely) about something else and is sometimes a helpful nudge towards getting unstuck.
- Occasionally the meme looks fun, like a sorority gal from across the cardio room at the gym. I know perfectly well what awaits if I approach, but from a distance I’m tempted. I think I see possibilities for creative thought, for raucous delight, or maybe just for an easy kill.
Once, I tried to start a meme, only to have it crash before liftoff. Another time, I started a meme quite by accident, and marveled as it grew, in disbelief at what I’d inadvertently done. In neither case did I feel invested beyond one or two contributions. In fact, the only meme I recall really having liked for a couple of days was one where people were describing things to fit aphorisms like, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” “That’s the way the ball bounces,” “That’s more like it,” etc. My personal favorite entry to that one was: “A tweet about the tweet I’m tweeting? That’s what I’m talking about.”
Today, everyone was doing porn star names. While huddled over the stove, waiting for the broccoli to steam (euphemism? not a euphemism? - different meme, but this is what happens to us) I Googled “porn star name” and tried a handful of random porn star name generators, but nothing tickled my fancy (actual euphemism). So I tossed off the quickest boner that felt right:
My porn star name is Geoff Barnes. Did I do it right? Yeah baby, I did. I did it all the way right.
I anticipated that using my real name would draw some fire, and it did. A couple of people were concerned that I’d done it wrong (but my god, isn’t clear that I’d done it oh so right?) and I had - although not in the obvious way. What I’d done was to attach my real name to a porn star tweet, for search engines everywhere to index and remember forever. Oops, so much for that senate seat I was bidding on!
To salvage my political future, I will probably have to change my name now at some point. Having sacrificed my real name to the Favrd gods, I’ve decided that, when I change my name, I’m going to use what apparently “should have been” my porn star name tonight:
Keanu Stanford
And wait, what does “tossed off the quickest boner that felt right,” even mean??
Vote Keanu Stanford in 2016
