I'll show you my blog.

Expectant mothers: Remember this evening, that you’re also *celebrating* for two.

Jan 1st

Crazy. Even wearing $250 noise-canceling headphones, I still hear the voices.

Jan 1st

The most surprising aspect of the mass Zune failure is that there were that many users of the thing...

Jan 1st

Whatever my 5 year old snorted, I think I want some.

Jan 1st

Is it like a pre-game injury that Charles Barkley got arrested for drunk driving earlier today,...

Jan 1st

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Twitter had some mechanism for sending your “Happy New...

Jan 1st

Hollywood’s idea of a great 2009 is a mega-budget remake of 2008 with worse actors and a...

Jan 1st

Bad-mouthing 2008? Don’t forget that it was the year we elected the guy with the superior...

Jan 1st

Hey higher education: How long until prefixing plagiarized material with an RT alert cuts it as...

Dec 30th

RT @CarmanAvenue: Pretending to be a lawyer always seems like a good idea at first.

Dec 30th

We still have an opening for a designer here. Great place to work, terrific people. Contact me if...

Dec 30th

Clarification: Web designer. Interactive designer.

Dec 30th

It’s hard to imagine the fun of staring at the stoned passenger until she catches you, then...

Dec 30th

“Waco, TX” rhymes with “drunk dude swerving, doing 85 in his F350 while...

Dec 30th

RT @CarmanAvenue: @texburgher Whatever. See you in court.

Dec 30th

Institute for Applied Autonomy

Dec 30th

Seriously, your arboreal courtship and subsequent life together will inevitably result in oral...

Dec 30th

Tuning into Lite FM to be uplifted is like drinking vodka for the vitamins while running on a...

Dec 30th

Seriously, continental soldiers’ scrota were known to be so ponderous that it was frequently...

Dec 30th

Holy cow, I didn’t realize how late it is and how soon morning will come! Someone tell me,...

Dec 30th

Neighbors sporting a new inflatable Christmas display since I left for Texas. It’s great to...

Dec 30th

I think the stoned girl next to me on this plane senses that everyone around her totally knows...

Dec 30th

Cross trainers? ✔ LA Woman cued up on the iPod? ✔ Aviators glasses & cowboy hat? ✔✔ Here...

Dec 29th

What do you mean the Texas in which I grew up wasn’t “The Real Texas,” Christmas...

Dec 29th

Epic fail to you if you declare anywhere linked to your Twitter account that you “love...

Dec 29th

I bet the presidential biography will reveal that the real reason we’re still in Iraq is...

Dec 29th

Maybe it’s just the holidays, but waking up every day, rolling over, and kissing Twitter good...

Dec 28th

Strip mall, or indoor mall? Freedom of choice, Texas. Freedom of choice.

Dec 27th

Nothing more incontrovertibly proves the impossibility of time travel than the relentless optimism...

Dec 27th

Doing dishes at my parents’ house, disoriented and desperately asking myself, “If I were...

Dec 27th

One thing about Dallas in winter, it’s so summery and everybody’s naked, which is true...

Dec 26th

I love having a mature, respectful, warm, and easy relationship with my parents. [714]

Dec 26th

Joy to the world! The lord is come… Wait, whaa??

Dec 25th

This Jameson is the best medicine for hopeless alcoholism. Ho ho ho.

Dec 25th

Merry Christmas, all. :)

Dec 25th

What animal do I need to sacrifice to redeem myself for having totally screwed up the genuflection...

Dec 25th

Is anyone else a little miffed that @Jesus protects his updates?

Dec 25th

JESUS SAVES ON LAST MINUTE GIFTS AT WALGREENS JUST LIKE THE REST OF US.

Dec 25th

What’s the punishment for putting the “ass” back into “Midnight Mass?”

Dec 25th

Chinese restaurant owners and Jewish diners: You’re welcome, and we’re sorry,...

Dec 25th

You’re not allowed to answer @JimmyFallon’s goofy questions anyway without shaking his...

Dec 24th

iPhone, voting is not boring, and again you fail the spellchecker test.

Dec 24th

American Christmas Trivia: “Jesus” is Aramaic for “last minute shopping.”...

Dec 24th

This remake of “Let Me Love You Down” tells me the end times are near.

Dec 24th

Ah, Christmas Eve and mall dads in sweaters with sleeves so tight at the wrists, no acorns escape...

Dec 24th

I hope the people whose lives I touch, both online and in person, will join me in opening their...

Dec 23rd

What good is it, in 2008, to have mastered the production of 2003 series websites?

Dec 23rd

It’s fun to have a That Was Easy button handy to push when you really slam your...

Dec 23rd

Support Updates: New Resources, Holiday Hours

Dec 23rd

Oh that previous tweet? I know, I know. Confusing, right? It’s a web site my team just...

Dec 23rd

I hope love, integrity, modesty, and optimism inform our every decision, that we take back our...

Dec 23rd

Following @2009hopes is becoming more inspiring and uplifting than I would have anticipated.

Dec 23rd

Usability complaint: It shouldn’t be so hard to read and star tweets while driving, Twitter....

Dec 23rd

Here’s my big idea. We can keep calling the internet “tubes” or...

Dec 23rd

Barista please. Why stop at pawing my coffee lid with your flu-stricken mitts? Why not dip your...

Dec 23rd

Integrating all your social networks is like sending 25 of your favorite deaf friends into an echo...

Dec 23rd

I should really let Jack take over my Twitter account. He’s good at restating obvious things...

Dec 23rd

Dear Lord, I’m beginning to think you favor @HotAmishChick over me because of her avatar...

Dec 23rd

I’m beginning to suspect the Internet isn’t good for anything besides research,...

Dec 23rd

Asking again. We’re looking for great web/interactive designers. If you or someone you know is...

Dec 22nd

It’s harder to bleed to death on the street when liquid freezes so fast. #happythoughts

Dec 22nd

The wind is made of icy death knives!

Dec 22nd

FACT: Kurt Vonnegut dreamt up Ice Nine today, then was blown back in time by ice winds so he could...

Dec 22nd

Sometimes I feel like there’s a great sausage joke within my grasp, then I lose it.

Dec 22nd

RT @jkresen: I fixed the knitting. Its a christmas miracle.

Dec 22nd

Also, the design. And the site map. And oh yeah, the strategic goals.

Dec 22nd

Tricky tongue wagging does not a cunning linguist make.

Dec 22nd

Hey forward thinking web designers, we’re looking for a seasoned interactive designer....

Dec 22nd

I know, it’s a wild idea. But how about we wait to put this into production until after...

Dec 22nd

Brightkite just feels a little monotonous if you’re under house arrest.

Dec 22nd

Don’t be fooled by the name, Holiday Pops. They don’t appreciate surprise gun sounds...

Dec 22nd

Maybe I blew the joke about the sex trade and confusing similarity between the words...

Dec 22nd

Want to open your heart to the mysteries of an infinite universe? Go watch 14 y.o. violinist Chad...

Dec 22nd

Also, Happy Hannukah, guys.

Dec 22nd

Live orchestra is way more fun when you know that maestro’s hair flip means “Play it...

Dec 22nd

Though the Holiday Pops crowd claims to want to get you in the mood, throwing panties onstage is a...

Dec 22nd

Every prayer I’ve ever uttered has just been answered by the Swash 700 Elongated Biscuit...

Dec 21st

Wrapping up my searing critique of Beyonce’s new hit. But one reference escapes me. What does...

Dec 21st

Poison-Tipped Brittney Spears just seem like the natural next big thing.

Dec 20th

It's all optional. What do you choose?

My lord.  I’ve got two or three or more wordpress blogs.  A posterous.  This thing.  Twitter. ...

Dec 20th

Chilis gives free refils on salsa and soft drinks and the salmonella is always free!

Dec 20th

Julie listens to gospel music like there’s a deadly influenza epidemic and she’s...

Dec 20th

Somewhere on the phaser between stun and kill are millions of us delusional parents trying to glare...

Dec 20th

Sometimes I wonder if we could drop the sarcasm for just a little bit. But no, I wasn’t...

Dec 20th

Fwuah please @tinybuddha! Blib blab, the world is impermanent. Blah flah, your anger will punish...

Dec 20th

“I love you so much, my heart comes alive to think of it.” “I wuv YOU so much my...

Dec 19th

Who has two thumbs, neither if which can use an iPhone keyboard with any measure of competence?...

Dec 19th

It’s amazing how hard it is for people to choke down a lousy joke about Watergate and oral.

Dec 19th

The unintentional genius of Beyoncé is she converts 100% of herself to an infinitely reusable fuel...

Dec 19th

How do you “let me google that for you” when the question is about google suggest...

Dec 19th

How many desktop fish have to die during Betta testing?

Dec 19th

Ladies, just a gentle point of clarification. Deep Throat died. Not deep throat.

Dec 19th

Let’s try that again, without all the extra words this time.

Dec 19th

Sarcasm is a lousy substitute for sincerity and it’s the same in reverse and nuance mocks me...

Dec 19th

You didn’t “lose” 50 followers, you “ditched their asses.” [701]

Dec 19th

I’m following @jerry_seinfeld because, oh, no reason.

Dec 19th

Peter Cetera did it all for gold stars, and look where it got him.

Dec 19th

How embarrassing. It turns out that One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer is also a song.

Dec 19th

Everything I learned about passive aggression I learned from Windows.

Dec 18th

The Original Water Warriors Pump Action Tiger Shark™ Super Soaker had better be a more...

Dec 18th

Stayed out late at a “Tweet up” last night, and this morning my...

Dec 18th

It’s ironic that when you go to a tweetup, you miss twitter so much and everyone keeps having...

Dec 18th

What’s it called when you discover you can spy on the guy who spies on you as he’s...

Dec 18th

My robot translated The Chosen into 4Tran. Optimus Chaim.

Dec 18th

If microwaving Ebola worked, Africa something.

Dec 18th

Pittsburgh tweetup ppl: Someone left a scarf at the bar. The bartender has it now. I hope you tipped...

Dec 18th

Thanks @tj. Sheryl. From now on I’ll check lyricwiki.org first, save myself some effing face.

Dec 18th

I’d follow @lancearmstrong on Twitter but something to do with Cheryl Crow.

Dec 18th

Mental note: Relax. That bike innertube patch on my teeth is probably just a black bean from the...

Dec 18th

Oh yeah, Galvastrong

Dec 18th

My robot just misspells shit left and right. While signed in as me. Yeah, that’s it.

Dec 18th

I’m at the Pittsburgh tweetup but I’m wearing a person costume, so I might be hard to...

Dec 18th

Hi Piitsburgh! 28 outbound is backed up all the way to Utah, so be sure to leave just a liiiittle...

Dec 17th

Probably going to Pittsburgh Tweetup tonight plus I keep forgetting what avatars look like in...

Dec 17th

Weird that the new Beyoncé song actually feels worse when she bites Buzz Lightyear’s rallying...

Dec 17th

Particle collider my ass. I discovered anti-matter by reading Eckhart Tolle while listening to...

Dec 17th

You don’t exist until you’ve been microsegmented, grouped, and sold by a bank’s...

Dec 17th

A mashup of OH:, Favrd, and this client meeting would totally rock.

Dec 17th

…but it would explode the internets.

Dec 17th

Minutes away from just affixing stars directly to colleague’s forehead.

Dec 17th

My front door jamb is 35 7/8” wide. #specifictweet

Dec 17th

There’s got to be a version of the Shell Oil Real Energy™ plan printed with baby seal ink on...

Dec 17th

You might think the suburb of Cranberry PA nothing but Paneras, cul de sacs, and soccer moms. But...

Dec 17th

Madoff disgusts me, but when I think about it, Fonzi schemes still sound cool.

Dec 17th

You just can’t beat the minty fresh taste conferred by OCD tooth brushing habits, or the...

Dec 17th

Software complaint that morps into a sex joke. #generictweet

Dec 17th

Look, I’m not joking. I really want to know if anyone here knows sentence diagramming.

Dec 17th

A lot of times when I open Omni Graffle it’s because I mistakenly read “Omni...

Dec 17th

I wonder what the effect on him would be if they showed Peter Falk the first half of each Columbo...

Dec 17th

Reflexology. #generictweet

Dec 17th

Description of a tweet’s anatomy, repackaged and tagged to get stars on Favrd. #generictweet

Dec 17th

Purportedly worldly observation that pretends to inadvertently reveal the lack of wordliness of the...

Dec 17th

Obnoxiousness. YOU’RE WELCOME. #generictweet

Dec 17th

#1 cause of falling productivity in the American workplace is the use of business idioms instead of...

Dec 16th

There’s always wall space for another dreamcatcher, Capt. Downer.

Dec 16th

Henceforth, winter workouts will consist of 2 hours spent on the Fattercycle™, drinking IPA and...

Dec 16th

If Pownce gains sentience in the last hours before being shut down, I bet its name will be at the...

Dec 16th

Wait. THE Carolyn Kennedy? Didn’t she play that Bajoran on Deep Space Nine??

Dec 16th

RT @heathr: Still need more geeks at http://equalitycamp.com Jan 3rd to help teh gays and defeat the...

Dec 16th

For all the justifiable outrage you, my twitter friends, expressed over Prop 8, do support Equality...

Dec 16th

SPOILER ALERT: http://tinyurl.com/5bhcms

Dec 15th

My belief in your claim that you’re Buddhist is inversely proportionate to the size of your...

Dec 15th

You’re kidding. Bernard Madoff. Pronounced “made off.” MADE OFF? And inside of...

Dec 15th

Don’t ask me to explain myself. Just trust me that lingerie mannequins are not as delicious as...

Dec 15th

I hope @zappos realizes the inevitability of being considered an accessory to this Iraqi act of...

Dec 15th

Is it any wonder that gratitude rhymes with flatulence?

Dec 14th

Neat fact. “Fan” comes from “fanatic,” which was coined by a sports writer...

Dec 14th

Remember when @CcSteff wondered if we star her tweets b/c we think she’s messed up in the...

Dec 14th

Ever wonder how much differently we might evolve if all the best-smelling air fresheners made fart...

Dec 14th

Do these floor-to-ceiling mirrors in my dining room make me look gay?

Dec 14th

Media Uploader Overview

Dec 14th

Learning to Love Comment Moderation

Dec 13th

You wouldn’t think there’d be that much difference between “dogmatic” and...

Dec 13th

Some of my friends have recently started to set up tumblr accounts, so here I am revisiting this...

Dec 13th

There’s no such thing as a painless public failure to spread your first meme beyond the people...

Dec 13th

Wait, what type of Pokémon is Bukkake again? Water type? Diamond and Pearl necklace series?

Dec 13th

Favrd: The tagline was “Huh?” on purpose. #favrd_tagline

Dec 13th

Favrd is loading like a slow motion auction for @jimmyfallon’s attention and @wilw is winning...

Dec 13th

Coding a random webcock name generator makes it all too obvious where porn stars’ true...

Dec 13th

That’s odd, I don’t recall explicitly agreeing to give my life over to devices and...

Dec 13th

Favrd: The cock is your daddy. #favrd_tagline

Dec 12th

Oppressive wine glass makers, what with their tyrannical value judgments about personal decisions...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative finance. If it’s based on profit then it’s...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as a claim you can’t make and prove with anecdotal evidence within...

Dec 12th

Somebody intervene: Save @jimmyfallon from building his follow list on the advice of a venture...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative music. If it’s based on polka then it’s...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative thought. If it’s based on Socrates then it’s...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative energy. If it’s based on petroleum then it’s...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative @phyllisstein measurements. If it’s in wikipedia...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as alternative reality. If it’s based on Descartes then it’s...

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as too strict. Solzhenitsyn flourished the in gulag.

Dec 12th

There’s no such thing as doing it wrong. Ladieeeees.

Dec 12th

Here’s a tip. Using the gas stove in long-sleeve PJs to make pancakes with a migraine headache...

Dec 12th

Quick note: Fulfill your destiny with the Darth Vader learning laptop.

Dec 12th

Between. That’s the word I left out of that tweet hours ago. As in, “…between...

Dec 12th

Damnit, Disney. It IS a small world after all. And you with your singsongy songy thing, well you...

Dec 12th

Migraine headache? ✔ Icy driving conditions? ✔ Untested airbags & anemic liability coverage? ✔...

Dec 11th

Artificial flavoring. It’s the difference Power Bar Energy Gel and meth-head semen.

Dec 11th

Wait, there are Shorty Award categories other than humor??

Dec 11th

Any way you’d consider nominating me for the Shorty awards? http://tinyurl.com/67hnpy

Dec 11th

[701]

Dec 11th

Even on a cold day after eating an entire head of roasted garlic, it’s not the wind...

Dec 11th

Seriously, is alpha hydroxy just about ready for beta?

Dec 11th

So who’s going to SXSW 2009?

Dec 11th

Okay Beyoncé, I like it. And I’ll put a ring on it, but I’m pretty concerned about the...

Dec 11th

Purely from a User Experience Design perspective, Beyoncé’s crotch pumping is a HUGE LEAP...

Dec 11th

Please, somebody, let the games begin: http://tinyurl.com/5bbbqf

Dec 10th

My gosh, Gmail must be exhausted.

Dec 10th

Quick, Favrd’s bleeding again. Star all the Beyoncé tweets!

Dec 10th

Beyoncé’s secret power rhymes with “shake that ass.”

Dec 10th

I’m waiting until tonight to call in gay to work, because I work the swing shift.

Dec 10th

Seeking translation advice: How do you say “buzz off” in Webcock without sounding like a...

Dec 10th

If I were a rapper, my stage name would be subJUNK’d IV.

Dec 10th

I can’t be the only one who reads “best by Sept 2006” & automatically...

Dec 10th

Friendfeed? You mean like evite for dinner parties for your jobless writer buddies?

Dec 10th

Thank’s iPhone, for all the extraneous apostrophe’s!

Dec 10th

The best part about my new Twitter name is all the emails I get that open: “Hi, Whopper...

Dec 10th

Thanks to Twitter, the word “twitter” will now never be used in a future revision to the...

Dec 10th

Started to suspect “Whopper McLexus” was being flagged by the no-webcock algorithm....

Dec 10th

Shout-outs? First one to @alinasmith, a hilarious cyborg from Ch… Wait a sec, what? Ok,...

Dec 10th

Wow, geez, I know this is off-topic, but is @favrd still totally screwed up?

Dec 10th

Howzabout a shout-out to @kariedwards? @kariedwards, anyone?

Dec 10th

It’s true what they say. Xanadu really is the old Little Mermaid.

Dec 10th

If you read her tweets from today, you’ll see @CcSteff is going out first class, ain’t...

Dec 10th

You guys were hilarious today, and that’s in no way related to the chemical formula for...

Dec 10th

dm EdRendell ABORT. TOO HOT. SPECTER KNOWS SOMETHING’S WRONG.

Dec 9th

I know which one of you “get me” because you star the ones that would have been funny if...

Dec 9th

No? Nobody? Sweet, looks like I just won 5 bucks.

Dec 9th

Hey so, remember Color Wars?

Dec 9th

How can you not feel sorry for the Whopper Virgins? Especially watching them being poisoned in the...

Dec 9th

Oh god, here it comes… Whopper Virgins are ripe for market penetration, according to Burger...

Dec 9th

Wow, the unfollows came so fast on the heels of the whopper virgin penetration joke.

Dec 9th

Beastie Boys listeners always be tweaking.

Dec 9th

Not only was last night’s Indian dinner full of powerful aphrodisiacs, my neighbor’s new...

Dec 9th

I want to follow @lancearmstrong, but I know I can’t keep up.

Dec 9th

The rarely-mentioned humanitarian aspect of Plaxo Pulse is that it alerts you when your friend Nik...

Dec 9th

Just watched a little Xanadu and what a way to start the day off right! And by “right,”...

Dec 9th

In Effingham they’re anti-bacon and they can’t even curse properly.

Dec 9th

Good thing revisionist historians didn’t exist until very recently!

Dec 9th

Merlin’s so pissy about his sagging camera sales. We should buy him a little something from...

Dec 9th

The dahl was the surprise runaway hit of the season. Meaning, the boy was so surprised that he done...

Dec 9th

Clicking the everyone tab is as close as you can get to being a dog with his head out the window of...

Dec 9th

I’ll never memorize the “Morning Zoo” gangsta rap radio remixes that are too...

Dec 9th

We’ve replaced the aspie’s grilled cheese sandwich with spicy red lentil dahl and garlic...

Dec 9th

The whole @favrd ‘outage’ was just a ploy to get his ‘yeah yeah deal with...

Dec 8th

Timely tip: /USERNAME_HERE/favourites works in a pinch. Don’t worry, you’re not the...

Dec 8th

BORED CHILLIN @MISSY_BOO ALWAYS BE FREAKING.

Dec 8th

-@vmarinelli Said something so unfunny it broke favrd?

Dec 8th

+@Mike_FTW Don’t tell them I told you, but go to http://search.twitter.com and do a search for...

Dec 8th

I remember the other Kawasaki I rode until it died. It was an 80’s KZ 75, got great mileage,...

Dec 8th

The Irish social marketer’s secret weapon: Always be drinking.

Dec 8th

Zan and Jana always be gleeking.

Dec 8th

Don’t change, baby. Always be binkying.

Dec 8th

RT @davidherrold: Hey Twitterites, I’m curious, how do you most frequently use txt messages?:...

Dec 8th

Tattletail kids always be finking.

Dec 8th

Frotto, always be ringking.

Dec 8th

Failgate: [v.] To follow someone too closely on Twitter.

Dec 8th

CNN: “Obama: Days of ‘pork… as strategy’ are over.” A day of...

Dec 8th

Just purchased a SURE WINNER of a domain. Who wants to help develop WEBCOCKNAMEGENERATOR.COM?

Dec 8th

Anyone have experience with Eyeclops Night Vision Goggles? Parents? Navy Seals?...

Dec 8th

“Spykee is far more than your ordinary toy robot.” OKAYYYY. Christmas shopping proves I...

Dec 8th

Classical music on the radio, I mention to Julie that it makes me want to crank it. Does it make her...

Dec 8th

Want to be FAMOUS? It’s EASY with MY simple program. Just STAR this tweet & RE-TWEET it....

Dec 8th

All the recent webcock-bashing has me concerned that you guys don’t actually have any deals to...

Dec 8th

Unfollowing anyone whose name is associated with The New Influencers.

Dec 7th

When I finally run out of things to say, I’ll switch this sucker over to retweeting...

Dec 7th

Bananaphobia. It’s definitely something.

Dec 7th

Some of your were in my dream last night. At a writer’s workshop/tradeshow. Our booths were...

Dec 7th

Slipping bananas into the batter so these can be banana pancakes. Still not a euphemism.

Dec 7th

Making pancakes, not a euphemism.

Dec 7th

Girl child, those things you call “push ups” are what a man looks like making a creature...

Dec 7th

Well yeah we bought the first tree we saw, but it totally looked like the baby Jesus.

Dec 7th

Wait, what?? I need a whole separate “place” to build my living room fire?

Dec 6th

Twitter chain letter: RT this message and @msg the person from whom you received it. IT REALLY WORKS...

Dec 6th

You’d need an erect sword to cut the innuendo in this room.

Dec 6th

Oh shit. I said “executive summary.” On a Saturday, no less. Watch for signs of the...

Dec 6th

I just did my own plumbing repair. Changing my name to Joe and looking forward to earning 250k in...

Dec 6th

Apparently, neither I nor my brainiac iPhone knows “chardonnay” to have a double n.

Dec 6th

If I only followed three people I wouldn’t be one of them either.

Dec 6th

If they pissed chardonay, I’d encourage them to let it mellow.

Dec 6th

It is inexplicably difficult to condition boys to flush the toilet after each use. What are they...

Dec 6th

Is there a statute of limitations on adding “just sayin,” to a pronouncement? Now that...

Dec 6th

Late enough that I can no longer function. As my dad once told the bellhop in Costa Rica: Bonus...

Dec 6th

You know what works better if you use it? Birth control.

Dec 6th

Ugh boots, right?

Dec 6th

Best Your Own Parents is a game you will always lose, but are too dumb to stop playing.

Dec 6th

The same box in which I live that shielded me from Uggs & tights, until tonight, safeguarded my...

Dec 6th

This next curve, don’t brake; downshift. #6wordepithaph

Dec 5th

On the one hand, memes are vapid & pathetic. On the other hand, at least we’re pulling...

Dec 5th

You ain’t man enough to shoot. #6wordepithaph

Dec 5th

Selected user profile no longer available. #6wordepitaph

Dec 5th

Silly Twitter memes finally killed him. #6wordepitaph

Dec 5th

From 15,000 feet, the clouds blanketing Pittsburgh look like so much dryer lint.

Dec 5th

This week’s recipe for winning at Favrd consists of a conservative start that swiftly crumbles...

Dec 5th

LA was fine n’at, but yinz weren’t there.

Dec 5th

They can rename LAX airport after any movie star they want to, but it will always be EX-LAX to me.

Dec 4th

That was supposed to be “rants and curses.” You’re welcome, Steve.

Dec 4th

Layover in Las Vegas. Slots and hookers galore. And I’m urged by my gal to “hit the big...

Dec 4th

I wonder how much kickback Apple gets for spellcheck-corrected retweets & associated apologies,...

Dec 4th

You say it’s impossible for a person to pass half his weight in gas. I smell a challenge,...

Dec 4th

When I overuse the word, “simply,” it’s smug retort bait.

Dec 4th

Favrd BAIT? Seriously? I guess you don’t condescend to work for food either, right?

Dec 4th

The shroud of the dark side has fallen. Begun, this bait meme has. #vader bait

Dec 4th

You say: Stakeholders. I hear: Skateholders. And I wonder if everything’s alright with your...

Dec 3rd

Hey SoCal, where are all the puppies on hemp ropes, anyways??

Dec 3rd

When the legal drama’s sound track doesn’t sync up with the picture, it results in a...

Dec 3rd

Having to pay to use this joint’s bathroom made it that much more delightful to soak its walls...

Dec 3rd

Of you come to LA, make sure not to miss I-405 at rush hour. 10 glorious lanes of parked cars, miles...

Dec 3rd

Damn right, I’m offended you think I’d compromise your privacy in one of my tweets,...

Dec 3rd

I bet that guy next to me on the flight yesterday really just wanted my shoulder as a pillow. And no...

Dec 2nd

In healthcare, do you get what you pay for? Because if so, somebody owes us all Bentleys.

Dec 2nd

OH: Some of the younger ones are on it, but for the older ones, “Twitter” is what they...

Dec 2nd

Here’s a tip: “Pry your eyelids open” is a euphemism, not to be taken literally....

Dec 2nd

I’m in Malibu, trying to spot Malibu Stacy. And it’s weird, I wish they taught shopping...

Dec 2nd

In west LA. http://bkite.com/02JSy

Dec 2nd

My god, they smoke a lot of dope in the dorms just down the hill over there. http://bkite.com/02JsH

Dec 2nd

To the 30+ man watching Star Wars Episode 1 on your Pokemon-adorned Nintendo DS, you totally win.

Dec 2nd

I’m like totally in Los Angeles, like right now. Should have developed an upper respiratory...

Dec 1st

That’s “will have.” cough cough.

Dec 1st

Chromasonally, the human race doesn’t appear to have progressed much since 17th century...

Dec 1st